Spacetime

hello sales

I am managing director of Ridalas COmpany, and I would like to colaborate with your company doing business and I would like

you to be truly for me for the moment of negociatinng, SO we can gain each other.
Forethermore, I would like you to quote me for the product that I listed below \
minidisk……….20 pieces.
 
Secondly, I would like yoiu to calculate the omni of these goods for me & give me the total cost of this goods & I would like

to ship via USPS, DHL, FEDEX. to the adress that I listed below 102, Agegemotor Road, MUshin LAgos NIgeria.

So I Will be expe ting your replyback to me soonest, hearing good news from you is the best answer than the bad
thanks

Best regard
Ayola

My Dear Ayola,
 
Thank you for writing to inquire about starting a business relationship with our humble firm. Unfortunately we cannot enter into any such partnership at the moment. I'm not sure how much Western news coverage you get in Lagos (Do you even have CNN?) but there has recently been a tear in the space/time continuum. I don't know if you can believe this, but I'm actually writing you from turn of the century Holland. The air is crisp and clean here. And I have a lovely view of the Vaalserberg hills from my bedroom window. I do so miss the pleasures of "modern" life at times: plumbing, Olestra, TiVo, vaccination. But on balance I'm enjoying the fringe benefits of these recent catastrophic events. In any case, at the present moment, I can't calculate the omni of these goods. So I'm afraid today I can only offer you my bad thanks, and not my best answer.
 
Goodnight my sweet prince,
Matt – Electronix Galaxy

dear sales

thanks foryour mailing me and I like your commence you make,so Iwill advise you that you should'nt be afraid afterall am not

afrauding person that can fraud you, So I will like you to tell methe total cost of the omni of the goods and I will like you

to commence fastly with mesothat I can know ur mind with me.

thanks
Ayola

Ayola Mine,
 
Thank you for putting me at ease. It can be difficult to keep your grip on reality when there is a rift in the space/time continuum. For example: I was just settling in to my cozy hamlet in Holland when I awoke yesterday to find myself transported to a cafe in 19th century London. Thankfully I had the good fortune to meet the legendary writer Oscar Wilde. We had a delightful evening on the town. Wilde dazzled me with his erudition and charmed me with his rapier wit. Overall it was an enchanting evening, but boy does my anus hurt!
 
Anyways, you probably don't want to hear breathless accounts of my travels across space and time. You want to get down to brass tacks. And it soothes me to know that I have no cause to be afraud of you. I too am not a fraud person. I am a stand up guy. I have sent a telegram into the future and contacted our shipping department in Culver City, California, 2005. They have instructed me that the omni of these goods is $450% with a margin of error of + or – five percent. I do believe you will find these terms quite enticing, even accounting for the recent devaluation of the Nigerian naira.
 
So I say unto you Ayola: "Be bold!" Send me the credit card number of your choosing! Also furnish me with a current address and year, so that I may navigate the folds of time and space and deliver a bounty of electronics unto ye!
 
Yours,
Sincerely,
Matt – Electronix Galaxy
 
dear sales

but I WILL like you to send your quotation to me so tat I can know my charge that I will  give you, SO Pls give me your quote

and I will give you my credit card details, SO am expecting your reply to me soonest.

thanks
Ayola

Ayola of my heart,
 
It seems like only yesterday since your last plaintive letter. Do not fear. I have not forgotten you. Sure I may be a bit addled, but let's chalk that up to my encounters with the green fairy, shall we? Yes, I'm talking about absinthe. Just one of the pleasures of life in 19th century London! Sometimes I wish that I could leave behind my career in consumer electronics and devote all of my time to drunken orgies with the buxom tarts of the East End. Oh, to be a trust fund kid! Alas, a man has to earn a living. So, onward to your order then. I have just been in contact with our CFO and he has informed me that the omni of the goods now stands at $4675 with FedEx Express shipping. This sounds like an amazingly good deal. If I were you, I'd strike while the iron is hot. You never know when the market will take a turn for the worse. Hop to it, Ayola. Time's a wasting. Insert your information here:
 
Name-
Address-
Card Number-
Expiration Date-
Blood Type-
 
Cheers,
Matt – Electronix Galaxy

Hello Matt,

thanks for the quotation and here below is my credit card details to charge for the total amount of my order plus shipping

charges.so i will like you to split this my 2 cards and charge it for the grand total of my order.and i will like you to get

back to me immediately you charge it so the details is as follows.
 
card type………………master card
name on card……………Kilo Ayoola
card number…………….xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
expiry date…………….11/06
cvv #………………….335

card type…………….master card
name on card………….Kilo Ayoola
card number………….xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
expiry date…………..09/07
cvv #………………..575
 
so i will want you to run this cards now and start the processing of my order and send me the trackingl # at your ealiest

responds.

Thanks
Ayoola

Ayoola Ayoola Oxen Free!
 
Well hot dang, if you aint itchin' to get your hands on these electronics. Far be it from me to keep a man and his minidiscs apart. So let's get cracking. I'm writing you from 15th century Lisbon. Since last we spoke, I found myself on the high seas with legendary explorer Vasco de Gama. I made many close friends during my journey and learned all sorts of really cool knots. You'd be so proud of me, Ayoola. Though most of my crewmates have died of scurvy, I've buddied up with the resident pigeon wrangler. He offered to show me how to send internet messages using a trained pigeon. All it took was the last of my saltwater taffy and a discrete episode of oral pleasure. A small sacrifice, but one I gladly make in the name of superior customer service. Anyways, the aforementioned birdman showed me the secret to surgically implanting email messages in the pigeon’s (ahem) undercarriage, if you will. Then all it takes is a little tickling just under the beak and the pigeon alights for parts unknown. There must be some kind of pigeon cybercafe nearby. Who knows?!
 
So if you've been in the least bit puzzled by my ability to maintain a high standard of customer service during a rupture in the space/time continuum, you now have your answer! Pigeons. They seem to work in a pinch!
 
I understand from my communications with our phlegmatic CFO that your credit card charges were successful! This means we'll be shipping your goods.
 
Your tracking number is X^)(X*)^#_#()&)&#)(
*@)@&X#*_^@_(*&#(_^@&*#_
 
Thank you for your business!

Sincerely,
Matt – Electronix Galaxy

Hello

thanks for your reply and let me know that original tracking number for this shipment and tell me which courier express you

used.so looking to hear from you soonest.

Thanks
Ayoola

Heyyyyyyola!
 
I apologize for the unusual delay in my response. Unfortunately, as you may have guessed, I have indeed contracted scurvy. I don't want you to worry about me Ayoola. I am still in reasonably good health and free from pain. As a matter of fact, the only downside at the moment is that I've had to give up flossing. Oh sure, from time to time I still crave a Bit o' Honey or some Grape Nuts, but I've learned my lesson the hard way. It's strictly soft foods for me now!
 
This is definitely one of the downsides to that whole pesky space/time rift problem. If this were 2005 in Culver City, California, why I could simply zip on over to the mini mall and pick up some Vitamin C tablets or maybe a C Monster from Jamba Juice.
 
Now, enough of the idle chitchat about my impending demise, toothless and anonymous in 15th Century Lisbon. Onward to the matters of customer service. This morning as I freed the last of my front teeth from its dying socket, a pigeon appeared on my windowsill. It came bearing news from our CFO, news of your shipment. It seems that despite the phenomenal disturbance in the space/time continuum, your package was shipped yesterday via FedEx!
 
Your tracking number is X^)(X*)^#_#()&)&#)(
*@)@&X#*_^@_(*&#(_^@&*#_
 
Please let me know if there is any more I can do for you. And please remember me to the gentle people of Lagos!
 
Very truly yours,
Matt – Electronix Galaxy

dear mat
but you are dissapoint me because I give you my card and you are not shipp my goods am not happy for your message that you

send to me
Lovable, huggable Ayoola,
 
I didn't mean to make you sad. I see now the source of your consternation. The technology which allows email to be sent by pigeons through the space/time fissure is still in its infancy. I never should have used such an untested experimental method whilst endeavoring to deliver top notch customer service. The tracking number somehow got scrambled during the transmission. Your correct tracking number is X8675309Z.
 
Please forgive me Ayoola. Scurvy is a wicked disease. It robs us of our teeth, our dignity and our customer service acumen. I only hope it takes me in the night and ends this terrible suffering!
 
Your humble servant,
Matt – Electronix Galaxy

dear matt

but why you are doing this to me, you know am just track this number hthey tell me that there is no any goods there, so I

will like you to tell me if you can not shipp my goods so I will know that you fraud me for that.

thanks
Ayola

My Dear Ayoola,
 
I can sense in your words a growing frustration and dissatisfaction. It is clear to me now, that I cannot meet your needs.

I'm very sorry that I can't "be there" for you, in all of the ways that you would like. I'm afraid that we can't go on like this. I need to end the relationship. It's not you. It's me. Simply put, I'm damaged goods, an emotional basket case. Between exhaustion from my time travel adventures and the advancing stages of scurvy, I am weary. I can no longer provide you with the kind of superior customer service that such a sweet man as yourself deserves. I encourage you to forget about me. Go find someone who can reciprocate your attentions.
 
I realize that there is still the matter of your order. Under the circumstances, perhaps it's wise to cancel this transaction. I will issue a full refund to your credit card and contact our courier to recover the shipment. Please take the refund and use it to buy yourself something nice. You deserve all of the best that this life has to offer. I just know you'll bounce back.
 
Never forget me.
 
Yours (once),
Matt – Electronix Galaxy

NO FURTHER CORRESPONDENCE.

Published on April 10, 2006 at 1:03 am  Leave a Comment  

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