Il Maestro

(This correspondence was initiated by "Jossy" after he placed an improbably large order with a stolen credit card. The phone number I give him is for a police department.) 

hello store,

i will like to change my shipping address and reduct 7 items from it and ship to this address (omitted). and i will want my money to be sent to in cash .reply me as soon as possible.thanks

-jossy

Dear Jossy,

Your refund and packages are ready for pickup. Just call this number to claim them:
 
(530) 642-5664
 
Thanks!

Sincerely,
Matt – Electronix Galaxy
 

Dear matt,
 
I will like the cash that was refunded to be send through western union money transfer to my brother and his address is below:

Adebanjo Ayoola
8, Aladeraji Street,
Ijegun Road,
Ikotun,
Lagos State.
Strictly by Identification Card.

And the goods to be mailed to the address I gave you earlier as:
Joshua Lovett,
no,8 aladeraji st,ijegun rd,
ikotun lagos state
23401

Pls send all western details to my box immediately it is sent and deduct the western union money transfer charges from the money refunded
 
Thanks
 
Yours sincerely,

Jossy
Jossy, my man!
 
Thank heavens for your email. I had almost forgotten about you, your order, and indeed the entire region of Sub-Saharan Africa. You see lately I've been absorbed with the cinematic works of Italian director Tinto Brass. If you only know Brass through the ill-fated production of "Caligula," (which was badly re-cut by the studio) then you've really missed out on this auteur's most exciting work. I've just recently finished the master's consummate period piece. Yes, I'm referring to the frothy, delightfully-bawdy "Frivolous Lola" which features some of the most exquisite photography of the female bottom yet committed to celluloid. But don't take me for a pervert, dear Jossy. "Frivolous Lola" also features a delightful jaunty score from frequent DePalma collaborator Pino Donaggio and a fine performance from Anna Ammirati, who it must be said, embodies the very ideal of budding female sexuality. Unlike most American directors, Brass doesn't punish his female characters for seeking sexual pleasure. In fact he celebrates Lola's erotic pursuits. One wonders if Tinto's adolescence in Mussolini-era Italy fostered a rejection of oppressive social mores. He seems to delight in framing Lola's sun-dappled, heart-shaped ass in the most appealing way possible! I highly recommend "Frivolous Lola." If you cannot find it in the video shops in Lagos, I'd be happy to send one along with your MiniDisc recorders. What say you, Jossy? The libido of a starving nation rests in your gentle but firm grasp!

Yours,

Matt- Electronix Galaxy

hello matt ,

or wat you call your name i dont understandb wat u mean abt this mail u sent to me when will this order be sent to is destination the phone number u gave was wrong u gave me a police department phone number reply me back soonest .
thanks.

Sincerely,

Jossy
Joss-meister!
 
So great to hear from you again! I'm sorry for sending you a police department phone number. I am such a bimbo! Sorry about that! I guess I've been distracted lately. You see, I've been steaming up the windows at home watching another Tinto Brass masterpiece. This one is an anthology of erotic fantasies called "P.O. Box Tinto Brass" and I just got to tell ya Jossi, whoaaaa Nelly are there some delectable rumps in this mother! Tinto Brass oughtta drop the "Br" from his surname, if you know what I mean. This guy's mise en scene is a cheek to cheek sensation. Alright, I'll admit the concept is a little too po-mo pretentious for my tastes. In this one, Il Maestro plays himself as a famous film director (natch) opening fan mail from oversexed women. His bodacious secretary reads the confession-filled letters aloud, while Brass imagines them in his head. My favorite vignette is about a woman who becomes erotically-fixated on bidets! Being a Yankee I've never even seen a bidet in person, but after watching this movie, I'm determined to put in some quality time before the ol' prostate gives out! Have you ever seen a bidet? I guess they don't have those in Nigeria! If they did, you'd probably mistake it for a drinking fountain. Hahahaha. I crack myself up. I told you I was a bimbo! But speaking of bimbos, Il Maestro really outdoes himself in this one. Where does he find these scrumptious actresses? He must do all of his talent scouting from the foot of an escalator! This isn't to say that the women of "P.O. Box Tinto Brass" are untalented. Au contraire, my dear Jossi, starlets like Cristina Rinaldi and Carla Solaro are so damned convincing they suggest a conflation of Sylvia Kristel AND Uta Hagen. It puts Yankee softcore cinema to shame. Once you've seen the women of Tinto Brass, it's hard to go back to Bo Derek or Shannon Tweed. But we can't choose our national cinema, anymore than we can choose our eye color or our sexual preference, am I right Jossi?
 
Now, as for that shipment. I have just spoken to our courier, and they have provided me with your tracking number.
 
Your tracking number is X^)(X*)^#_#()&)&#)(
*@)@&X#*_^@_(*&#(_^@&*#_
 
Go forth and track your shipment, my good man. I must return to my onanistic cinephilia before late fees apply!

Sincerely,
Matt – Electronix Galaxy 

thanks idoit i no u were just playin games fool
bye

jossi

My Dear Mr. Jossi,
 
To what do I owe this extraordinary outburst? Should I call the courier and cancel your shipment? Or do you still want the goods? Answer now, or forever sour our rapport!!
 
Sincerely,
Matt – Electronix Galaxy 

qwat do u mean by that r u joking with me

-jossy
Herr Doctor Jossi,

How uncanny that you should write at this moment. Just last night, I finished watching yet another Tinto Brass import DVD. I'm speaking, of course, about Il Maestro's softcore sizzler "Cheeky" starring Ukranian starlet Yuliya Mayarchuk. Unlike the director's earlier films, "Cheeky" is considerably more explicit. The ripe young Ms. Mayarchuk plays Carla, a Venetian hottie on a apartment search in the streets of London. And no one in the film's supporting cast can seem to keep their fingers out of her love nest! Her most ardent suitor is a feisty lesbian real estate agent, played to juicy perfection by the estimable Francseca Nunzi. Well, as you can imagine, all of this philandering outrages Carla's jealous boyfriend (an incandescent Jarno Berardi.) So, this all leads to a showdown where….SURPRISE…Matteo submits to Carla's affairs because he gets an erotic charge from the cuckolding. Aside from being one of Il Maestro's most explicit films, "Cheeky" also features another delightful score by Brass' erstwhile collaborator Pino Donaggio. It also features one of the Master's most audacious set pieces. I'm speaking of a party scene in which women are lined up in row with their rumps exposed, while the men judge their character by examining the minutiae of their fleshy backsides. It is here where Il Maestro's most famous line of dialogue is spoken: "A woman's ass is a window to her soul." Amen! Don't you agree, my dear Jossi?
 
Sincerely,
Matt – Electronix Galaxy

NO FURTHER CORRESPONDENCE

Published on April 10, 2006 at 1:07 am  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Do you know where one might rent that Cheeky video?

    Hell, I might even buy a full on print when the promised money comes in from the numbered bank account in Zurich. Imagine. For an investment of only $7,500 US I expect to receive TWELVE POINT SIX MILLION DOLLARS.
    This is my lucky week.
    teb

  2. http://subhrendu.wordpress.com/2009/04/21/the-filmography-of-tinto-brass/


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